I have been away from blogging for a full week now, and it hasn’t been the best of weeks for self-care. It all kind of fell by the wayside as I semi-frantically wrote/made-up and edited a grant proposal for state money that was due on Saturday. I’d agreed to write it for a tai chi friend’s organization in exchange for free access to tai chi class on Wednesdays. What I didn’t realize was just how much the business side of the organization needs help, so the writing needed a lot more than just the “plug and play” with boilerplates I’m used to.

But that’s done now, and I need to figure out how I want to go on from here. What am I going to choose to do? I know I need to put limits on how much time I spend in the grant world. Although it’s a totally different kind of writing than what I’m doing in this blog, I find that the concentration/energy required wipes out my brain and the only thing I’m good for is sleeping (whether actually with my eyes closed in bed or in front of a mind-numbing game or a television screen). Hence, the lack of blogging and dining (as opposed to eating/scarfing food down) and tai chi practice and everything else, it feels like.

On the plus side, I have ridden my bike to Barnes & Noble and back just about every day – 5 miles roundtrip. Unfortunately, I get home and am so wiped out and dizzy that pretty much all I can manage to do is lie down and crash for a few hours.  I’m tired of feeling exhausted to the point of dizziness by mid-afternoon.

My eating has been iffy in the past week, too. I kept overriding my sense of fullness, which wouldn’t leave me alone even when I was trying not to pay attention to it. I’m discovering that things I used to be able to scarf down multiple helpings of – chocolate cake, roast beef subs, Too Jay’s Banana Dream cake, Chinese food, bread, Starbucks sweet coffee concoctions – I’ve lost my taste and/or capacity to eat much of it. I tried the Starbucks new caramel drizzle iced coffee thing … and threw it away after a couple of sips because it was just too sweet. Last night I’d picked up a slice of chocolate flourless cake and banana dream cake, and ended up throwing both pieces away after a couple of bites – it was just too much for me. I didn’t even want to put them in the fridge for later. Half of a sandwich or sub feels like too much food for one sitting now. Ten years ago, I never would have thought it possible!! I used to “crave” sweets, any and all of them. Now I find myself “craving” meat, vegetables, fruit, and spinach shakes. Quite a difference.

Awareness. I’m more aware of what I put in me and how it makes me feel. Physically and intellectually. Food and brainfare. I got rid of several games on my Nook and phone today, because I realized I was losing hours to them when I would have been better served by napping or walking or reading or anything restorative rather than numbing my mind with games.

I’m now contemplating getting rid of my scale. I have one of those old-fashioned ones you used to see in doctor’s offices all the time – the one where you step on and slide the weights until it balances. I’m kind of freaking out that I’m actually thinking about doing this, yet at the same time part of me knows that it’s an important step for me to take on this journey. Yes, stepping on the scale and seeing lower numbers is exhilarating. Just as stepping on the scale and seeing higher numbers is disappointing or worse, depending on my frame of mind at the time. I love numbers, so I tend to get caught up in the numbers game. But it doesn’t feel right anymore.

I want to journey to health, not just a lower weight. I’m thinking of it like I do auditions … in an audition, you have no control over the outcome. Whether you win or get cut after the first round, a lot of it depends on stuff you have no control over – maybe the panel has no intention of hiring anyone or maybe a couple of other people played a technically perfect audition or maybe they couldn’t decide who to choose so they rolled the dice. What you do have control over is how you prepared for the audition – did you put the time and work in, were you physically and mentally ready? I don’t feel like I have control over the number on the scale. I can (and have) gain 5 pounds overnight eating and doing the exact same thing I did on a day I lost 1 pound. I can lose 10 pounds in a week by eating less than 200 calories a day, but it leaves me with headaches, dizziness, nausea, and a wicked bad mood. I want more. I want to be active and healthy. I miss swimming. I miss running. I miss having plenty of energy to not just get through the day, but to power through at full throttle. I can’t control the number, but I can control things like how much sleep I get, whether I’m eating healthy, if I’m active … stuff like that. I want to focus on healthy behaviors and let the numbers fall where they may.

Anyone interested in a scale?